By the time 2 o'clock rolls around, the same feeling surfaces in my heart as the day before. I become tense, stressed, and plain annoyed that I can't do everything that I want to do. If everything doesn't go perfectly right for the rest of the day, I might not get it all done. I want to have dinner ready when Caleb comes home. I want to look like I haven't rolled out of bed and started the day without taking a shower. I want to feel less behind in my at home business. I want the beds to be made and children to be taking naps. As I strive to do it all and always come up short at the end of the day, my head hits the pillow feeling so unaccomplished.
And then the terrible thoughts surface...
"He shouldn't even expect dinner when he walks in the door!" (even though he doesn't and is always willing to help with whatever needs to be done when he comes home)
"I can't believe he expects me to do everything. Laundry, cleaning, home school, meals....My job is much harder than his..." (and then I'm not a happy cheery wife when he comes home from hours of drilling in the dirt in the hot sun)
"I'm not sure about having more kids."
Where do these thoughts come from? As I sit and reflect I believe it comes primarliy from a selfish and prideful heart. And a heart that wants to feel like I did something that matters. Something that I'm noticed for maybe? I was never asked or expected to do it all but I still feel like the world expects it. And I know I shouldn't care what the world expects because I am not of the world, just in it.
That's all for tonight. I don't have any revelations. Just honest feelings.
I completely get your honesty. Been there, lots, AND lately (something about a new baby and simply the demands of life). I've had a couple revelations, for me, but maybe they can help you too? Or just to pass along you're not alone. Here's the big ones:
ReplyDelete-The little things really do add up! The days CAN be counted for something, even the seemingly unproductive ones. Not because I'm spectacular in ANY way but because HE IS! I wrote a post about such feelings I myself had when Asher got baptized. Wow, it hit me. Those are the kinds of things that matter. Not a clean floor, not more 'me time', not feeling on top of things. That decision for him really came at a time that spoke to mountains I was facing in this season. They really seemed so small and even non-existent after that.
-He can teach me to number my days and make them count. This one's tough for me because come 'that time' I just want to throw in the towel, time to pass as fast as it can, and Gabe to come home. But I'm asking and He's giving. I'm seeing for me, it's not 'such and such' that will save me, but rather an escape route provided by Him when I'm tempted to look to other means. He always gives a way out! And I'm not saying it's easy or that it doesn't at times really feel like it's too much to bear. It's not easy and it is at times too much to bare, alone. But I'm looking for that escape route and so far it's ALWAYS been there. Awesome!
-A big one as of late for me has been the gospel message so simply broken down. Freedom from sin. I no longer have to choose to sin. I have complete freedom with that 'escape route'. But should I fail, I repent and there's NO CONDEMNATION. NONE! AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME!
Be blessed! and when you have your revelations be sure to share.
Honesty is good. And I struggle very much with the same feelings. Never enough time. Always behind. Why can't he do it? And why is he asking me for a drink? He has legs! Ooo, that's all the honesty I feel like sharing at the moment. Thanks for keeping it real.
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