By the time 2 o'clock rolls around, the same feeling surfaces in my heart as the day before. I become tense, stressed, and plain annoyed that I can't do everything that I want to do. If everything doesn't go perfectly right for the rest of the day, I might not get it all done. I want to have dinner ready when Caleb comes home. I want to look like I haven't rolled out of bed and started the day without taking a shower. I want to feel less behind in my at home business. I want the beds to be made and children to be taking naps. As I strive to do it all and always come up short at the end of the day, my head hits the pillow feeling so unaccomplished.
And then the terrible thoughts surface...
"He shouldn't even expect dinner when he walks in the door!" (even though he doesn't and is always willing to help with whatever needs to be done when he comes home)
"I can't believe he expects me to do everything. Laundry, cleaning, home school, meals....My job is much harder than his..." (and then I'm not a happy cheery wife when he comes home from hours of drilling in the dirt in the hot sun)
"I'm not sure about having more kids."
Where do these thoughts come from? As I sit and reflect I believe it comes primarliy from a selfish and prideful heart. And a heart that wants to feel like I did something that matters. Something that I'm noticed for maybe? I was never asked or expected to do it all but I still feel like the world expects it. And I know I shouldn't care what the world expects because I am not of the world, just in it.
That's all for tonight. I don't have any revelations. Just honest feelings.
